Novena figure with the body covering day 8
Wow! I can't believe I made it through this process. It was a tough one for me this go around. When you tackle something so dark in your past that has such a profound affect on every aspect of your life, there can be some trepidation. Yet, the desire and need for a since of closure and completion was so needed at this point in my life. It seemed that the past two years had been heralding such a profound change in my life. From the diagnosis of prostate cancer to losing two good friends this year I knew the Universe was preparing me.
Who knew loss and abandonment could cause such total chaos and negative processes in one's life. Yet, I slowly acquired the tools over the course of my life to find a way to receive the healing I so desperately needed. There have been many great spiritual teachers in my life that have passed on the tools to find my own enlightenment. That is the key here. My own enlightenment. Not someone else's idea of it. Not the enlightenment for the masses, but discovering the I am-ness of oneself. I am, that I am. A part of this vast universe. A part of infinite love and that is the greatest lesson here. A dear friend put it so succinctly. Love is the greatest power in the universe. It can heal anything. Yes, that is true. But, you have to get yourself to a point at which you can truly accept that concept. Not just as an intellectual understanding, but feel it deep within your soul.
Art is that vehicle that helped me finally feel this deep profound love for myself. One which allowed me to forgive not only those that abandoned me but, myself for abandoning me. We abandon ourselves by cutting ourselves off from our inner light of love and all the love that surrounds us. When we are cut off from love we only see the darkness, the rage, the loneliness and abandoned self. Ultimately we are our own undoing. I am truly grateful that my creative process gave me the best tool to access up close and personal this abandoned self. That is where doll making comes in for me. It has been such a tool throughout so many cultures for healing, ritual and magic. I touted these things in my artist statement but, you know sometimes we just say things because they sound cool. But, I am here to say that I finally understand these words like no other time in my life. When you look at what you have created in the eye and it looks back at you with all the energy and emotion you have placed inside it, you get it. That guttural connection of that dark part of oneself.
Let me introduce Sam. Sam means abandoned or loneliness in Danish and it seemed to fit because my spirit guides name throughout my life was Sam. I think it is kind of ironic that he was my spirit guide, but hey what a teacher. He is the most amazing teacher though for he has lead me to this path of profound wholeness. I am not afraid to look into his eyes and see the painful sadness that lays there. He has had many years of sitting in the void and contemplating. Now that he has been touched by light what wisdom he has to offer me. I realize that I love him with all of my being. Because he is me and I him. We create each other and I am now complete. I have found the love I thought I was no longer worthy of in this life. Nothing can take that away ever. There are other things in my life I wish to examine. Sam has given me the courage to take each of them by the hand and walk my great winding road through the universe.
Thank you everyone who has been so supportive through this process. You are all such treasures you can't even imagine. But, I am humbled by your kindness in following my journey. As I have said many times before, may your journey bring you peace love and light.